I never had many enemies before I became a pastor. I am as a rule, a pretty likable guy. Not to say there haven't been people that haven't liked me, but those people generally don't stick around in your life, and so everyone moves on. I even used to joke to people “Everyone likes me, and if you don’t, then statistically, you’re a jerk!” I look back on the kid and both smile and shake my head. I remember one of my early mentors warning me that there would be someone who handle me roughly, and this would polish off my edges. Well, I’ve been handled roughly, but hopefully haven’t lost my edge, although I do find myself over-qualifying things more than I did.
Being in public ministry
is changes you. My son once asked me if I was a public figure, and I said it
was a matter of degree. I'm famous at our Wal-Mart, but not necessarily in the
Wal-Mart one town over. But because I have some degree of fame, I have also a
degree of critics. Not the good kind, the ones who are in your life helping you
navigate through your own hubris, but the kind who sit on the sideline and cast
stones. The guys like Shimei in the Bible who cast stones at David while David
was at his lowest. I understand now the look my last senior pastor gave me
when I came to work at his church. It’s a look that says, “You seem like a nice
guy, I wonder when you’ll betray me.” It’s common enough in ministry that I bet
every senior pastor who read that just nodded.
So I have take to reading
up and studying conflict resolution. My wife and I have very different strategies,
based on our upbringing and life experiences. She was raised in a house where
almost all conflict was destructive. This causes her to value quiet and prioritize
minimizing conflict. She would say of me that I often seek conflict out. From
my view I feel like unless it’s addressed it can’t be healed. But I’m also
prone to try and fix things that aren’t broke, breaking them in the process.
She and I often balance, but occasionally cancel each other out. The truth, as
with most things, lies somewhere in between the two of us.
My wife tells me that these battles have made me harder, sterner. I find myself sometimes not wanting to concede a point because I'm just so tired of taking criticism. Sometimes I find myself confronting early, trying to short-circuit destructive conflict. After all, this is what the books say do. But sometimes you end up fighting a battle that would have gone away without your intervention,
Or I avoid the conflict, because I care for the person and don’t want to risk them leaving the church. Do this too often and you risk losing you place to speak into this life, and others will assume you condone their bad behavior.
But the worst thing you can do is have a problem with someone and tell others. I don’t always know what works, but I know this one for sure doesn’t. You words will reach them, but instead of a place where you can respond, they will respond in kind, to people other than you.
So this is going to begin
something for me. In the next few weeks I plan on writing out the events and
details of conflicts I have had in my church, and to be as honest as possible,
not covering up my own mistakes, seen through the eyes of a pastor who tries,
fails and tries again. Some I handled well, some I fumbled, but I’m hoping writing
it out will help me to make sense of how God has called me to lead people to
Him. I hope you will join me on this journey. Stay tuned next Thursday, where I
start with my first Jezebel.
yep pickle ball rules don't bother me it's saturday....
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