Tuesday, March 9, 2021

Conflict Resolution, or the complete lack thereof, Part I - The Intro

 

I never had many enemies before I became a pastor. I am as a rule, a pretty likable guy. Not to say there haven't been people that haven't liked me, but those people generally don't stick around in your life, and so everyone moves on. I even used to joke to people “Everyone likes me, and if you don’t, then statistically, you’re a jerk!” I look back on the kid and both smile and shake my head. I remember one of my early mentors warning me that there would be someone who handle me roughly, and this would polish off my edges. Well, I’ve been handled roughly, but hopefully haven’t lost my edge, although I do find myself over-qualifying things more than I did.

Being in public ministry is changes you. My son once asked me if I was a public figure, and I said it was a matter of degree. I'm famous at our Wal-Mart, but not necessarily in the Wal-Mart one town over. But because I have some degree of fame, I have also a degree of critics. Not the good kind, the ones who are in your life helping you navigate through your own hubris, but the kind who sit on the sideline and cast stones. The guys like Shimei in the Bible who cast stones at David while David was at his lowest. I understand now the look my last senior pastor gave me when I came to work at his church. It’s a look that says, “You seem like a nice guy, I wonder when you’ll betray me.” It’s common enough in ministry that I bet every senior pastor who read that just nodded.

 

So I have take to reading up and studying conflict resolution. My wife and I have very different strategies, based on our upbringing and life experiences. She was raised in a house where almost all conflict was destructive. This causes her to value quiet and prioritize minimizing conflict. She would say of me that I often seek conflict out. From my view I feel like unless it’s addressed it can’t be healed. But I’m also prone to try and fix things that aren’t broke, breaking them in the process. She and I often balance, but occasionally cancel each other out. The truth, as with most things, lies somewhere in between the two of us.

 

My wife tells me that these battles have made me harder, sterner. I find myself sometimes not wanting to concede a point because I'm just so tired of taking criticism. Sometimes I find myself confronting early, trying to short-circuit destructive conflict. After all, this is what the books say do. But sometimes you end up fighting a battle that would have gone away without your intervention,


Or I avoid the conflict, because I care for the person and don’t want to risk them leaving the church. Do this too often and you risk losing you place to speak into this life, and others will assume you condone their bad behavior.


But the worst thing you can do is have a problem with someone and tell others. I don’t always know what works, but I know this one for sure doesn’t. You words will reach them, but instead of a place where you can respond, they will respond in kind, to people other than you.


So this is going to begin something for me. In the next few weeks I plan on writing out the events and details of conflicts I have had in my church, and to be as honest as possible, not covering up my own mistakes, seen through the eyes of a pastor who tries, fails and tries again. Some I handled well, some I fumbled, but I’m hoping writing it out will help me to make sense of how God has called me to lead people to Him. I hope you will join me on this journey. Stay tuned next Thursday, where I start with my first Jezebel.

3 comments:

  1. yep pickle ball rules don't bother me it's saturday....

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  2. Wow pat yourself on the back, and have you done it unto the least of these … I think not

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  3. Wow could be a best seller

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