I've tried grace without works. I've tested the "but God loves me unconditionally, regardless of my actions", and I've lived long enough to see that fail. That we are, without a personal quest for holiness, lost. Even if we got into heaven on a technicality, it would be a place so foreign to us as to seem like hell. And yet holiness is never fully attained, it is always a struggle, part of our curse. To till the ground of our souls, to strive with demons by the sweat of our brow. Only God's grace will rescue us, only He can sound the bell and end each round.
People are uncomfortable with dichotomies. We think that to be one thing, we cannot be another. And yet we ourselves, the great hypocrites are. We are the person we want to be and the person we actually are. Who we desire to be controls our actions, who we are controls our destiny.
I have never gotten far from the need for forgiveness. I am traveling further up and further in, yet always within sight of a skull shaped hill. Always some what desperate and in need of a Savior. And always, He returns to carry me.
I wish I wish I wish that I were a more desirable beloved to Him. That I could be faithful to Him as He is to me. But the flesh is selfish and weak, and prone to ignore grace in times of anger. Peaks and valleys in a bipolar life, ups and downs, surges and regression. Only He is steady. And I am rambling.
No comments:
Post a Comment