Change

I strongly believe that man is allowed to change things, he just isn't allowed to make permanent changes.  Few things survive a more than a hundred years, even fewer one thousand, and its very likely nothing we now know will still be there, should the Lord tarry, four thousand years from now.

I guess I've lived just long enough.

I've tried grace without works.  I've tested the "but God loves me unconditionally, regardless of my actions", and I've lived long enough to see that fail.  That we are, without a personal quest for holiness, lost.  Even if we got into heaven on a technicality, it would be a place so foreign to us as to seem like hell.  And yet holiness is never fully attained, it is always a struggle, part of our curse.  To till the ground of our souls, to strive with demons by the sweat of our brow.  Only God's grace will rescue us, only He can sound the bell and end each round.

People are uncomfortable with dichotomies.  We think that to be one thing, we cannot be another.  And yet we ourselves, the great hypocrites are.  We are the person we want to be and the person we actually are.  Who we desire to be controls our actions, who we are controls our destiny.

I have never gotten far from the need for forgiveness.  I am traveling further up and further in, yet always within sight of a skull shaped hill.  Always some what desperate and in need of a Savior.  And always, He returns to carry me.

I wish I wish I wish that I were a more desirable beloved to Him.  That I could be faithful to Him as He is to me.  But the flesh is selfish and weak, and prone to ignore grace in times of anger.  Peaks and valleys in a bipolar life, ups and downs, surges and regression.  Only He is steady.  And I am rambling.

Thankfullness as an extreme sport

Just sitting around thinking about the time I had bounced the account by one dollar (when I bought a soda) and was looking at 50 dollars in fees for because of that act coming out on a rent payday on a day and my credit card had already been declined over a snickers bar when my blood sugar had dropped enough to give me the shakes and as I was sitting on my office floors in quiet despair I smiled to the Lord and told Him how much I liked the green shirt that I was wearing, and for that I was thankful.

And she became chaos...

I was reading the Hebrew Old Testament this morning, starting at the first, the verse in Genesis that we read as "the earth was with out form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the waters". In the Hebrew a more literal translation could be "and the earth, she became chaos, and the Lord He hovered (fluttered?) over the face of the water".

It is the eternal debate, between the Lord and the chaos.  In the ancient (and some modern) cultures a recurring theme was the "earth mother".  There was a sense and a belief that the earth she nurtures us, she protects us, we nurse at her bosom.  But she also possess us, we cannot break free of her, she demands servitude, and in the end, we return to her, dust to dust.

Standing at the other end was the belief of the sky father.  The sense of the "other", the feeling of being watched.  I was amazed when people took such offense over George W saying he heard from God (all of his other issues aside). We all hear from God, He speaks to us constantly.  He is our companion or our judge.  He's the reason why complete silence is never complete.  He pulls us from the earth, He insists there is more than what we now see.  He lights our soul ablaze with hidden passion to transcend our mortal coil, to cheat death at all turns and find a way back to life.

And so out of the chaos that had become the earth, God planted a garden, and from the earth He made a pair of gardeners.  But He made them out of more than just the earth, He breathed into them, the Hebrew for breath and soul have forever been linked.  And so we are born with two (dare I say, three) parts, the part that comes from the soil, our flesh, and the breath within us, our spirit.

And in between the two, some times watching, some times deciding, is our soul.  It is the authority within us.  When God said He would create us in His image He gave us something that He withheld from all other things created.  He said we could change things, even we ourselves can be changed by nothing more than a decision.  A simple thought carrying authority, a decision to move, or to stay, to cling to or to let go.

Of course one of man's first decisions was spectacularly awful.  The kind that sends ripples throughout the rest of our time here on earth.  And yet God did not stop him from making it.

When I was a child, learning to ride a bike, my dad would ride behind me, holding the bike.  He would let go at roughly the same point, and I would crash a few feet later at roughly the same point.  Was it cruel of him to let me go?  Much of the "angry atheism" I have found in my life has come from those who understood the constant presence of an other, but could not crest the hill between His watching and His changing.  If this God, this other, were all powerful, then why did I loose something so dear to me?  A mother, a son, our faith, all these things taken back into the bowels of the earth, with no great miracle, no last second save.  They just died, and left us here, with our sense of God, but our ultimate spiritual blindness as to His purpose.

There's something an atheist friend had told me last week, that we can't know whether it's real or just in our heads.  Can we know?  Can we deny truth that is so completely pervasive.  There is a voice calling to us from every quiet moment, every time the TV is off and the kids are asleep and there we are, talking to the air, the sky, the sky father.

Prayer...

is not a ransom note

it is not a command

it is not always quiet

it is not without feeling

it is beyond what we know

it is available to all

The bar is low, we must stoop to enter...

The attributes of God

Why is it that we attribute things to God, whether good or evil, that He did not condone or ordain?

One of the few things we truly control in life is our attitude towards the circumstances we find ourselves in.  This is actually, if they know it or not, the cornerstone of the faith movement.  They speak to their circumstances, choosing to believe the good over the bad.  In theory at least, sometimes in practice this sounds like a strategy of denial, but when you take what they say at face value, they are correct in this.

Often times we have bad things come into our lives through the choices of others, evil choices, not according to the will of God, but because of the weakness of men, yet we are quick to attribute those things to God.  For example, say you are suffering financial at a time when I am blessed with abundance.  The Lord leads me across your path,  I am made aware of your situation, but being at that time bound by my wealth and possession, I choose not to help you.  I will, according to the law of reaping and sowing, pay for that later.  But for now, you continue to suffer.  Longer, perhaps, than the Lord intended, for He sent me to be your savior, but I being wicked, refused.

This is an example of the authority of man.  Here on earth, God has placed us over all the plants and animals, and for reasons that are His alone, He has chosen us to be His servants and the most visible example of His love for us.

We Are It.

When God chooses to bless, He chooses one of us to do the blessing.  When He chooses to heal, He will most often find a servant of His to pray for that healing to come to pass.  This is what is meant when we are called to be the body of Christ.  The old song says "to be His hand extended, reaching out to the oppressed", and that is what we are the, literal hands and feet of Christ.

This week I was wounded , but I incorrectly attributed that hurt to God.  It was not He who chose to bruise me, but men, I am still His anointed, His special chosen.  This is my public confession to Him, who I, with my faithlessness offended.  My path may be different because of circumstances I did not choose, never the less, He works all things for good for those who are called according to His purpose.

And today is a good day to be called.

Swords Into Plowshares

Men like war.

Women like war too, but to them it is a more subtle craft. Just ask any girl who was on the outside looking in while attending middle school. It has been remarked that war is an extension of diplomacy by other means. That at some point when the talking breaks down the guns come out. It's the ultimate extension of corporal punishment when waged nation to nation, when a people agrees that another people have transgressed so grievously that armed conflict and the mass shedding of blood is all that can now cure the ills visited on them.

War is when you stop trying to fix the relationship and turn towards hurting the other person. When you decide that the ills against you by the other person can only be cured through that persons destruction. I've often said that in marriage you cannot win a fight, you can only hurt the other person until they stop fighting back, and that is war.

This week I'm fasting war. I'm not going to pick up any swords, I'm not going to invade any one else's opinions, I'm not going to use violence in my words to accomplish any end.

Charem

It means devoted to the Lord utterly, as through its destruction. When Israel was told to take Jericho, the city itself would be charem to the Lord, and they could take no plunder from it. I have found in my life there were habits and pleasures so destructive to me that I had to make them charem. They had to go away.

This week, war for me is charem, any battles that need to be fought will be completely in the Lord's hands, I will not fight them for Him. Not that some day He won't call me to fight again, for just causes, against those evils whose advanced will only be stopped by forceful resistance. But for this week, I'll beat my sword into a plowshare, I'll plant seeds where I can, tend the land I'm given, and wait for the glory of the Lord to reveal itself. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Elected

I've had a troubling week to be sure. I can't put all of what I went through here because some of those whom it effected may stop by to read. I can tell you I've been at the peak of mania and through the valley of the manic, I've been revered as holy and shunned as unworthy, almost filling the emotional spectrum of which I am capable.

In the midst of this turmoil though, I did have one advantage. God was telling me the whole way what was going to happen next. I never went into a situation blind, and I knew the outcome of almost every situation.

I find this deeply disturbing.

Not because God is speaking to me, He speaks to everyone all the time. What bothers me is that I don't know if my choices both in prayer and action could have changed what was going to happen. And if they couldn't, was it because the people to whom I spoke had already determined their course of action, or was it a situation God had predestined?

I see highways as a sign that mankind is given a "free will". Monkeys share 98% of our DNA, yet they don't build highways. If you take mankind off the earth, and erase what he has changed, then the earth remains as it looked at creation. Of all the creatures, we alone are given authority to change things. Nature does what nature has always done, because nature is set something like a clock, mechanically plodding along at a predetermined course. But we are miracles, because we can change our course. We can jump the rails. We can defy nature, we can defy God Himself, just as Adam did.

But God knows what we are going to do. Every thing. All our decisions are laid out before Him.

Still working on this...

Always Faithful

I have to admit I’ve always been a fan of the Lost Cause, must be something in my southern upbringing. My favorite stories growing up were stories about King Arthur and his knights, when you knew from the beginning were going to be betrayed and killed, and yet you kept rooting for them the whole way.

And then there was of course Christ. God made man telling the world to love God more than rules, rulers or religion, and for than he was hung. And you read his story, always knowing the end will be crucifixion, and it makes the story all the more urgent.

I also think of Judas, the ultimate lost cause. When people talk of pre-destination and election I think of him, who was called the son of perdition. Was he lost before he was ever born, did he ever have a chance? I forget what verse I was reading, but it mentioned the other Judas and the author was sure to specify that it wasn’t Iscariot, because the name Judas itself became unclean through his act of betrayal. And yet Christ loved him. He called to him, it was God and Cain all over again, the one standing in the way of the other who was trying desperately to sin.

The old pastor’s last words as he left the church were “Semper Fi”, the motto of the Marines, that means always faithful. Words no man will ever fully attain. It recalls images of the last man standing, defending the hill against insurmountable hordes, bloody and wounded but unbowed, unbreakable.

I’m amazed at my own faithlessness at times; at how quickly I abandon a cause when the tide turns against me. I’ve seen too many leave their posts in times of trials, and I swore no to follow their lead. So today, with renewed vigor, I will carry the banner that Jehovah Nissi had given me. I will wave it at the very gates of Hell and prepare to meet the onslaught of the enemy. I may stand, I may fall, but my body will lay on the hill my savior has called me to stand.

So, how do you feel about me?

What is it about human nature that makes us so much more comfortable with criticism (outgoing) than exhortation? I know many people, Christian and non, that would not bat an eye at pointing out your weakness, and yet also absolutely struggle to compliment you on your strengths.

Is it a power struggle? Because if I tell you what is wrong with you, I am in authority, I am the one who is better off, helping you my lesser. Whereas if I say, my you are good at such and such, I become a supplicant to your superior ability?

Is it that we feel that the economy of the relationship shifts to the other person? If I say you are good at something, do we assume then that I am not good, or at least equally as good at it because I allowed myself to admire it in you? In other words, do I have to be bad in order for you to be good? And then criticism becomes easier because it make me better if you are bad?

Meekness. That’s the one where the kitten steals the big dog’s food, but the dog doesn’t mind, because the cat is not a threat, and sharing with the cat that is so small, will not deprive him of much. It is like humility, something we understand to be a virtue in others, as long as we ourselves aren’t bound to it.

Meekness can be when I have the ability and even the right to criticize you, but instead focus on building you up, because I myself and strong enough to endure what I am going through as well as helping you along your way.

Many times I wade into the fray of verbal melee because I’ve taken offense at what was said. Meekness would say the offense isn’t big enough to cause real damage to me, there fore I’ll save my assault for a foe worthy of my efforts. Meekness is the art of becoming big enough to really help people, strong enough to weather their storms and still be there to lift them up when the rage has subsided. Meekness says I love you enough not to hurt you, and that I leave your judgment to others, while I help you rebuild your life.

Meekness is why Christ was fully man, because it was the meekness of God that laid aside divinity to walk with, and be abused by, us. Meekness is a God who takes you back, even when the best of your years are already spent on riotous living. It’s the God who runs to meet the sinner, who stoops to bless the wayward, who washes all our sins away.

Frenemies of God

Too little sleep. I've done a bad thing and let anxiety slip its way into my night. So instead I’ll write. That might help me clear my head.

Is it a noble thing to love when you know that love will bring only hurt to you, even if it brings healing to the other person? Not because the other person means to hurt you, but because hurt you is all they can do. And what if they really need you now, but then won't need you in the future. Can you still love them knowing they will all too soon discard your relationship?
I’ve had friends in my life that for my own well being I probably should have broken contact with. There were those people who would spread gossip. And there were those people who would always require support, while never being able to offer any when I would need it. Should I have left them, struck off for better friendships, with people whose personalities I would find more attractive?

Probably.

But I didn’t. I stuck with them, understanding that our friendship’s level of honesty would always be in their hands.

Maybe I’m too old now, for that sort of sacrificial love.

Maybe it’s because I have a wife who meets my needs for companionship that make me less tolerant of relationships that show little promise of emotional fulfillment in return for my investment of time.

Maybe it’s from being in ministry. Preachers can’t be too careful about their friends in the congregation, as that can really come back and bite you. But they also have few friends among other preachers, as each is busy building their own kingdoms, and each is too concerned with their lack of real friendships. Most preachers I know have one or two real friends that are also in ministry and no more.

Maybe I just need to sleep.

Maybe when I wake up I’ll realize that Christ loves me, even though there’s little chance I’ll bring Him a positive return for His emotional investment in me. I’ll fail as much as I walk, and yet, there He will be, standing still on the path until I catch up to Him, so that we can walk further.